DBT Skills That Can Help in Everyday Life
Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) teaches four sets of practical skills: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. DBT was originally developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan for people with intense emotional difficulties, but its skills are useful for almost anyone who feels overwhelmed by emotions, reacts in ways they later regret, or struggles in relationships. Several of the skills below can be practised on your own, although they're most effective when learned with support.
What makes DBT different
"Dialectical" refers to holding two seemingly opposite ideas together. The central dialectic in DBT is acceptance and change: accepting yourself and your situation as they are right now, while also working to change what isn't working. DBT is also grounded in validation, the recognition that your emotions make sense given your experiences, even when your reactions aren't helping you.
Full DBT programs include individual therapy, weekly skills groups, phone coaching and a consultation team for therapists. Many psychologists use DBT skills within individual therapy without delivering the full program.
1. Mindfulness: the foundation
Mindfulness underpins every other DBT skill. It's about noticing what's happening, inside and around you, without immediately reacting or judging.
Wise mind. DBT describes three states of mind:
Emotion mind: driven by feelings, urges and impulses
Reasonable mind: driven by logic and facts, disconnected from feelings
Wise mind: the overlap, where you acknowledge emotions and reason together, and sense what's right
Asking "What would wise mind do here?" is a simple way to pause before acting.
"What" skills: observe, describe, participate. "How" skills: non-judgementally, one-mindfully (one thing at a time), effectively (doing what works).
2. Distress tolerance: getting through a crisis
Distress tolerance skills help you get through intense moments without making things worse. They're not about solving the problem; they're about surviving the moment.
Body-based skills (part of DBT's TIPP set) help settle the body quickly when emotions are extreme:
Paced breathing: slow your breathing, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath
Paired muscle relaxation: tense muscles while breathing in, release while breathing out
Movement: a short burst of brisk exercise, such as a fast walk, to burn off physical arousal
Your therapist can go through the full TIPP set with you and help you choose the skills that suit your body and health.
STOP:
Stop: don't react
Take a step back
Observe what's happening inside and around you
Proceed mindfully
ACCEPTS (distraction): Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions (creating different ones, such as watching something funny), Pushing away, Thoughts (counting, puzzles), Sensations.
Self-soothe with the five senses: a favourite song, a warm drink, a soft blanket, a familiar smell, something beautiful to look at.
Radical acceptance: fully accepting reality as it is, with your whole self, when you can't change it right now. Fighting reality adds suffering to pain.
3. Emotion regulation: reducing vulnerability and changing emotions
These skills help you understand emotions, reduce how vulnerable you are to them, and change them when they don't fit the facts.
Name the emotion. Being able to say "I'm feeling disappointed and a bit embarrassed" rather than just "bad" helps regulate the feeling.
Check the facts. Ask whether your emotion and its intensity fit the situation. If a colleague didn't say hello, is it certain they're annoyed with you, or are there other explanations?
Opposite action. When an emotion doesn't fit the facts, or acting on it won't help, do the opposite of what it urges. If anxiety says avoid, approach. If sadness says withdraw, reach out. If anger says attack, be gently kind or step away.
PLEASE skills reduce emotional vulnerability by looking after the body:
treat PhysicaL illness
balanced Eating
Avoid mood-altering substances
balanced Sleep
Exercise
Build positive experiences and a sense of mastery by doing small things you enjoy and things that build competence, every day.
4. Interpersonal effectiveness: asking, saying no and keeping relationships
These skills help you get what you need from others while maintaining relationships and self-respect.
DEAR MAN for asking for something or saying no:
Describe the situation
Express your feelings
Assert what you want
Reinforce why it benefits them
stay Mindful (don't get sidetracked)
Appear confident
Negotiate
Example: "I've noticed the dishes have been left for me most nights this week (describe). I'm feeling pretty worn out (express). Could we take turns (assert)? It'd mean I'm less grumpy in the evenings, and we'd have more time together (reinforce)."
GIVE for keeping the relationship: be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner.
FAST for self-respect: be Fair, no excessive Apologies, Stick to your values, be Truthful.
Who DBT skills help
DBT has strong evidence for borderline personality disorder and for reducing self-harm and suicidal behaviour. DBT skills are also used for:
intense or fast-changing emotions
impulsive behaviours when distressed
binge eating and bulimia
trauma, alongside other treatment
ADHD-related emotional dysregulation
relationship difficulties and people-pleasing
Learning DBT skills with support
Skills are easier to learn than to use in the heat of the moment. Practising with a therapist, applying them to your real situations and troubleshooting what gets in the way makes them far more effective.
Our founder, Mirinda Smith, integrates DBT with ACT, CBT and a psychodynamic lens, and our team uses DBT skills for emotional regulation difficulties, stress, trauma and relationship patterns. Book a session, or read our overview of therapy approaches.
This article is general information. DBT skills aren't a substitute for crisis support. If you're thinking about harming yourself, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000.