Grief and Loss: A Psychologist’s Guide to Healing
Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something that mattered to you. There's no correct way or timeline to grieve, and the popular idea of five neat stages doesn't match how most people experience it. For most people, grief softens over time with support. For some, it stays intense and disabling for a long time, and that's when grief counselling or therapy can make a real difference.
Grief isn't only about death
We most often associate grief with bereavement, but people grieve many kinds of loss:
the end of a relationship or marriage
infertility, miscarriage or stillbirth
the loss of health, mobility or independence
a job or career you'd built your identity around
moving away from home, family or community
the life you expected, such as after a diagnosis for you or your child
a pet
These losses are sometimes not recognised by others, which can make grieving lonelier. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief.
The myth of the five stages
The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work in the 1960s with people who were themselves dying. They were never meant as a fixed sequence for bereavement, and research doesn't support the idea that people move through them in order.
In reality, grief tends to come in waves. You might feel okay for days, then be floored by a song, a smell or an anniversary. You might feel anger, relief, guilt and love within the same hour. None of this means you're grieving wrongly.
A more useful model for many people is the dual process model, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. It describes healthy grieving as moving back and forth between:
loss-oriented activity: feeling the pain, remembering, crying, yearning
restoration-oriented activity: dealing with practical changes, trying new roles, taking breaks from grief
Both are necessary. Constantly avoiding the pain can stall grief, but so can being unable to step away from it.
What grief can feel like
Grief affects the whole person.
Emotional: sadness, yearning, anger, guilt, anxiety, numbness, relief
Physical: exhaustion, changes in appetite and sleep, aches, a heavy chest, getting sick more often
Cognitive: poor concentration, forgetfulness, disbelief, preoccupation with the person or the circumstances of the loss
Behavioural: withdrawing, restlessness, keeping busy to avoid feelings, visiting places connected to the person
These reactions are normal in the weeks and months after a loss.
When grief becomes complicated
For a minority of people, grief remains intense and disabling well beyond what would be expected. The DSM-5-TR now recognises prolonged grief disorder. In adults, it's considered when, at least 12 months after a death, someone experiences intense yearning or preoccupation with the person nearly every day, along with symptoms such as:
feeling as though part of yourself has died
marked disbelief about the death
avoiding reminders that the person is gone
intense emotional pain, anger or bitterness
difficulty re-engaging with life, friends or plans
emotional numbness
feeling that life is meaningless
intense loneliness
Risk is higher after sudden, violent or traumatic deaths, the death of a child, when the relationship was very close or dependent, or when there's little social support. Grief can also trigger or worsen depression, anxiety and trauma symptoms, especially after a traumatic loss.
How grief counselling helps
Grief counselling isn't about "getting over" someone. It's about finding a way to carry the loss while continuing to live. Depending on what you need, therapy may involve:
space to talk about the person and the loss without worrying about burdening others
making sense of difficult feelings such as guilt, anger or relief
addressing avoidance, gently approaching reminders you've been steering around
continuing bonds: finding ways to stay connected to the person that feel meaningful
processing trauma if the circumstances of the death were distressing
rebuilding daily life, routine and relationships
ACT-based work on living alongside pain while reconnecting with what matters
Ways to support yourself
Let grief come in waves rather than forcing it or blocking it out.
Keep some basic routine, including sleep, meals and movement.
Accept practical help from others.
Expect anniversaries, birthdays and holidays to be hard, and plan for them.
Be cautious with alcohol, which can intensify low mood.
Talk to people who knew the person, or who have been through similar losses.
When to seek help
Consider seeing a psychologist if:
grief is not easing at all over many months, or is getting worse
you can't function at work or home
you're using alcohol or other substances to cope
you're experiencing intrusive memories or nightmares about the death
you feel you can't go on without the person, or are having thoughts of suicide
You also don't need to wait. Many people find it helpful to have support early, particularly if the loss was sudden or they don't have many people to lean on.
Free support is available from Griefline on 1300 845 745 (8am to 8pm, seven days). If you're in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000.
Grief counselling on the Gold Coast
Our team offers grief and loss support in person in Nobby Beach, via telehealth, or through Walk and Talk therapy, which some people find a gentler way to talk about loss. Book a session when you're ready, or read our guide to depression treatment if grief has become tangled up with low mood.
This article is general information and isn't a substitute for individual advice.